floating opportunities

you're just ordinary. nothing special or extraordinary about you. fleeting thoughts of adventure or an exceptional life is the road to heartache.

all the pins boards full inspirational quotes can't change the fact that things are difficult and some decisions feel hard no matter the encouragement. You can fight and fight until you're weak and somethings just can't work themselves out.

When you want something bad enough, does it always work? No. Most of the time, you'll get your heart broken by circumstance and uncontrollable details. No one can make those things change and your sweet friends can encourage and uplift you all they want, somethings can't be achieved or solved by words of support or love. Thats all fluff.

The raw part of life is sitting back and watching an opportunity float by. An opportunity you worked very hard for, something you wanted for a long time, something you deserved. And there it goes, floating by with others onboard.... but not you.

Because you're ordinary. nothing special. just you.

Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. - weil

a smile, a kind compliment, eye contact, a simple gesture of acknowledgement. that could be the different between an ordinary relationship and something truly magical. I can't think of a single person who matters in my life who doesn't deserve a little more attention. the same could be said about myself. I'll admit that I've done some pretty ridiculous things to gain the attention of a handsome stranger or for a good friend to notice something about me in hopes for possibly something more. In the end, the person who gives the attention has won the hearts of everyone. I'd love to think that I don't need that sort of thing but we're all human and its in our nature, our very DNA, to need people's attention and approval.

I want to be courageous, kind and generous. All of these can be achieved with attention to others.

Are you enough?

It can be completely isolating watching everyone's lives around you fall into place. People you know who just have things together, not easy necessarily but together. People you walked away from, relationships you felt confirmed to leave behind for the better, only to find those people also walking right into the fate scripted out for them. All the while you sit idly by, waiting and wishing that it'd be your turn. Taking a stand can only get you so far and thats usually straight to being president of the Ms. Independent Club. You can't force anyone's hand in the matter of love and futures. Women have been doing that for centuries and it generally leads to heartbreak and divorce lawyers. You want something real. Someone who sees you. If everyone else seems to be doing it, it can't be too difficult.

You begin to think its you. There's something about you that's off-putting and strange. And as the years move on without any change you begin to believe that its you. So what is that thing? What is it that makes them run from you straight into the loving arms of the next person? Do you lack something simple that everyone else seems to posses? Is it something you do subtly but also consistently that you've never noticed before? Do you not attract anyone? Are you enough? Are you what someone else would want?

All of these question reel around in your mind until you no longer see them as questions but suddenly its just matter within your being, threads that hold up your skeleton shell to mask the real flesh inside. The part of you that no one sees. You don't even recognize that person when you look her in the eyes in the mirror. She stares back at you with a blank but familiar stare. Her eyes penetrate your soul and you look away ashamed that she's seen inside you what you shelter from the world. Those parts of you that feel so deeply, so infectiously that you can't show them to anyone. Not even the girl in the mirror. Because they're real and raw and rare beyond recognition.